Motherhood Voices Blog Interview Series – How My Marriage Fell Apart After Losing My Baby and Battling Secondary Infertility

Hello everyone,

I am pretty excited to start this series of blog interviews called ‘Motherhood Voices‘.

This whole idea came to be as I thought about the best way to connect with women and mothers in a real way. I know that stories are powerful and always leave us with lessons for today and tomorrow.

So I connected with some amazing women and mothers who were willing to share their stories. These are real life everyday stories from women and mothers who have walked difficult paths, surmounted challenges, overcame their pain and shame and are owning their lives and stories today.

The very first interview on this series is with a woman whose marriage crashed after she lost her baby and suffered secondary infertility.

I can tell you that it must have been tough for her to open up on this part of her life, that happened over a decade ago. But, she did.

I am inviting you to join in and follow this series to read stories of hope, faith, strength, resilience, courage and grace.

N.B My guest for today chose to remain anonymous and I respect her decision. I stated to my interviewees when I contacted them, that you can choose to be seen or remain anonymous. I will surely respect that choice.

Welcome to Motherhood Voices.

How My Marriage Fell Apart After Losing My Baby and Battling Secondary Infertility

Good day ma’am.

We are so excited to have you here.

GUEST: Thank you. I am glad to be here.

Firstly we have some quick fire questions we will like to ask.

Here we go.

1. What book are you currently reading?

GUEST: I am currently reading a book called ,’ The Bible.’ It happens to be my all-time favourite book.

2. Who or what is your biggest inspiration?

GUEST: I would say that my biggest inspiration is that inner drive to be a better person each new day, also being able to live in the present and use what I have to affect lives around me.

3. What does Motherhood mean to you?

GUEST: Motherhood means all round sacrifice to me.

Thank you ma’am for taking out time to answer these quick questions.

Once again, I am glad to have you here ma’am and I appreciate you for taking out time to share your story with us.

1. Can you tell us a little about yourself.

GUEST : My name is XXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I am from the south-south region of Nigeria. I was born and raised in Delta state. I am a classroom teacher and in the business of shaping the minds and hearts of children.

( For confidential reasons, we have decided to take out our guest’s name as requested by her)

2. So can you give us a background of your story?

GUEST: I am presently single and building my life all over again. I was once married and got pregnant like every new wife desires.

I carried my pregnancy without issues to its due date, but experienced obstructed labor when it was time for delivery. I was taken in for an emergency C-section, but eventually lost the baby to complications. This was over 10 years ago.

And then began my struggle with secondary infertility. My monthly periods ceased and my marriage started having issues when I was unable to conceive again. My spouse became violent and I eventually had to leave the marriage to keep my sanity intact.

3. How was it like for you after you lost your baby?

GUEST: Hmmm! It was a really tough time for me, especially because I carried my baby in my womb for 9 months and still had to lose him after all the stress and expectations. It was a really sad season for me. I cried for many weeks unending.

But at a point, I decided to let go of my pain and pick up my life again. I believed that at least there was hope and I could still try for another baby. Little did I know what was ahead of me.

4. Did you ever feel like if only you had done this or that, your child would still be alive?

GUEST: No, I never blamed myself once for the events of that day. I took everything in good faith and kept thanking God that he knew the reason why it happened that way.

5. Tell us about your miscarriages.

GUEST : After the loss of my baby, my monthly period disappeared for two years. I was diagnosed as having secondary infertility.

  • (Secondary infertility is the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy following the delivery of a child. )

I began trying again to conceive, and then miscarriage after miscarriage followed. I had countless miscarriages after losing my child. The babies just refused to stay.

I was in deep pains during this period and became very emotional. Anger took the better part of me. I felt bad at my situation and snapped at the slightest provocation.

6. What was the relationship like between you and your husband during that season?

GUEST: The relationship between my husband and I went cold. It was no longer a cordial relationship. We gradually began to grow apart, that friendship was no longer there and then he started keeping late nights.

7. How did you handle the rejection and pain that came with your inability to conceive again?

GUEST: It was not easy handling the rejection that came with my inability to conceive. The side talks, gossips and emotional trauma is a whole lot for anyone to take in.

I had issues with my Mother-in-law and husband’s siblings. They never really liked me or cared about me. So when this issue of not being able to conceive again came up, they intensified their dislike for me and I had to bear a whole lot, but for God.

8. What eventually led to the end of your marriage?

GUEST: We grew apart, I was still battling to conceive again and also trying to stay strong through the many miscarriages that followed.

There was a total breakdown in communication between us. Things got worse and domestic violence set in. I was flogged with cable wires and pushed outside the house naked at times. At that point, it became only wise for us to go our separate ways.

9. Do you think things would have been different if you were able to have another child?

GUEST: I think things would have been a bit different for me, because I would have a child that would have made me to forget all the pains and emotional trauma that I went through.

10. Do you think children should be a determining factor in the joy and success of a marriage?

GUEST: I think love should be what binds a man and a woman together first, while children are the gifts that God gives us in marriage. So love must come first and should always take the lead in the marriage before the children.

I believe that children should not be all that makes a happy marriage. There are couples that are married with children, who are not happy at all in their marriages. So like I said, love should come first and be that glue that keeps you together through thick and thin.

11. And what if the children don’t come, what do you think the couple should do?

GUEST: I can tell you that the journey to conception can become easy in a marriage that has love. The couple should first seek medical advice from a qualified gynaecologist or a good fertility doctor.

Together with the doctor, they can work on the issues that are working against them. They should also eat and rest well. They can take walks outside together occasionally. They should also be consistent with their timely baby dance.

( I was lost and had to ask my guest what timely baby dance meant)

GUEST: I meant making love timely within the fertility window.

Finally rest on the word of God that says, ‘Lo, children are the heritage of the lord and the fruit of the womb is his reward.’

12. Who or what was your strongest support system during that difficult season in your life?

GUEST: My strongest support was God and still is God. I found succour in his word. Really, it was God alone. I had no one to run to but him and I held on firmly to him.

13. Can you share with us three things you did that helped you to overcome the pain and shame you went through?

GUEST: The first thing I did was to change my mindset. I had to tell myself that though my marriage had failed, and that even though I was unable to conceive, it was not the end of the world for me. I kept telling myself that all hope was not lost.

The second thing that I did was to became very close to God. I built and invested in my relationship with him.

Lastly, I invested in travelling to get my mind off the pains and mockery. I took myself out of the environment and places that reminded me of the pain. At least, while I was away, I became more hopeful and began to see a better future for myself.

14. What would you tell that woman whose marriage has also failed because of her inability to conceive or any other reason?

GUEST: I will tell her to try as much as possible to take off her mind from the pain of losing her baby and marriage. Find ways to engage herself. It is not easy at all, but she must try to move on.

She should also build a new mindset filled with hope and possibilities.

She can get a job if she does not have one and also learn new skills to help boost her self-esteem and dignity, as well as help keep her engaged.

She should visit a good fertility doctor and trust in God that someday, she will conceive again.

Thank you ma’am for sharing your story with us. We appreciate you.

GUEST: Thank you too for having me.

Have you been able to grab a lesson or two from our guest’s story?

Or perhaps you are strengthened and encouraged by her story.

Please share your thoughts with us in the comment’s section.

Love and light,

Ufuoma.

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2 Comments

  1. Modupe
    March 18, 2020

    First thank you Ufuoma for this series.

    Then thank you to our guest for sharing her experience with. I’m glad that with God’s help, she has healed and is still healing.

    My takeaway – I need to be sensitive to the pain of the people around me who going through this type of trauma and learn how to support them.

    One question I’d like you to ask subsequent guests. With the benefit of hindsight, how do they advise that we show real.and practical support to.our friends and family who find themselves walking this path?

    Reply
  2. Ufuoma Fijabi
    April 22, 2020

    Thank you Ma for reading and sharing your thoughts. And thank you for the suggestion, I added it to subsequent guest’s questions.

    Reply

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